... it really sucks. When you're happy, everyone is there to talk to you and ask why. The second you're not, they go out of their way to completely avoid you. It seriously never fails. I can write a happy or even random LJ post and people will comment. But if I write a serious, depressed post, no one says a word. Not that I want pity or think I need the support, but isn't that why most people do things like that? The "cry for help" type deal? Maybe no one really believes me when I say I'm unhappy or they really don't understand the depths of it because I don't tell anyone or show them? I think a lot of people write me off after seeing surface emotion and never really see what lies underneath everything good and bad. Not that they need to, I'm sure those that want to, see through it. Those people just seem very few and far between. So right now I'm completely bored. I was about ready to pass out a few hours ago but had to do chores and eat dinner. So now if I sit still, I get anxiety over the fact that I should be doing something, anything, but I have no idea what it is so I don;t get anywhere. I finally couldn't take it anymore and had to turn on some music just for some sound, anything. Then I moved back to my desk because sitting on my bed was making it worse. Being forced to sit up straight in my desk chair is much better. I can't believe it's already quarter to 10. I've been home for 4.5 hours and I have no idea where the time went beyond sitting here staring blankly at nothing. I mean, half an hour to put away dishes and eat leaves 4 hours of blankness. That's a bad thing. I have kool-aid though, that's a good thing. I logged into the College Matchmaker a bit ago to yank my quotes off my profile. They've changed the site in the months since I was last there.

"Sa souvraya niende misain ye," he said aloud. "I am lost in my own mind."

"imperious, angry, furious, extreme in all things, with a disturbance in the moral imagination unlike any the world has ever known -- there you have me in a nutshell; and one more thing, kill me or take me as I am, because I will not change." -- de Sade

"Nothing is trivial."

"On the path to happiness, I am everyone's guide, but I am no one's end."

"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions." -- Lillian Hellman

"Life is a dream from which we all must wake before we can dream again."

"Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you."

"Duty is heavy as a mountain, death is light as a feather."

"There is no salvation without destruction, no hope this side of death."

I haven't read any of my book lately. Too busy, tired, blank. Say goodbye, lose your friends, make them go,don't need them around. I realized my vacationw asn't long enough and I screwed myself trying to keep in contact with people. I spent too much time thinking of what other people were doing and so never truly let it allgo and relaxed. And I think not doing so made a lot of things worse. I think I'm more on edge than I was before. And not just people online, but people up at the lake too. I think Matt contributed to that since he wouldn't shut up about the girls on the other side of the lake. I could have cared less, but he made a point to bug me daily if not more often, interupting whatever I was doing at the time.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet. It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on. Just try your best, try everything you can. Hey, you know they're all the same. You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in. Live right now. Yeah, just be yourself. It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

Uh oh, slowing down again, that's no good. Riding the quad in the woods up north was fun. Flying down small sand and dirt trails, never quite knowing when they'd turn suddenly and you'd have to either brake fast, ride it out, or cause some serious damage to a tree, the quad, or more likely yourself. More than once I thought I was going to tip it over on myself or slam into a tree. Never did though. Hmm, war scars.

Got through work for the day. Didn't do much. Downloaded a rip of the Gundam Wing DVD Vol. 2. Downloaded 9 or so Cowboy Bepop episodes. Downloaded random software. Made a tiny 5 meg CD. Took off to buy the Vampire: The Masquerade 3rd Ed. book, ended up being gone over an hour because of the construction and because I was just kind of driving, I had no idea how to get to the mall from my work so I just drove, I got over there eventually. Also bought the Summer edition of 2600 while I was at Barnes&Noble. Somehow it doesn't seem to be quite the same as I remember it in the past. I should work on my VTM character but I have no idea what I'm doing, I haven't read into the bookt hat far, and no one is around to help me right now. Ah well, I'm still mostly clueless anyway.

So now I have Jimmy Eat World - The Middle on repeat because I love this song. I want the CD now. Tomorrow or Thursday I get pick up my Dub Pistols, David Byrne, and Stereo MC's CD's that I won last Friday from MSU's radio station. 4th caller when they announced the #1 song, yay. I like all three CD's though so it'll be cool. I just put all my other new CD's in alphabetical order in my case though. More work. It only takes 5-10 minutes though, just seems like longer.

Noticed an AIM chat from last night was the largest I have saved on here. 106K. It surprised me, but it was 5 hours long so maybe it shouldn't have.

I still haven't come up with anything else to do though so I'll just keep adding random crap on here. After all, it is *my* journal, and this is what it's for... me writing down my thoughts. Just logged into soulxchange, down to 144 owners. Oops. Ow well, getting in on some huge flips (Thanks Gryph and Bri).

For some reason our local network is being a bitch. Bro can connect out through the NAT to ICQ, AIM, etc. But when anyone behind the NAT tries to MUD, it never gets anywhere. So for now I have a manualport tunnel going through for him to use. But we have no idea why it stopped working in the first place. It just started randomly last night. Weird.

Idle thought... make things harder because then the effort is visible and able to be appreciated, or makes things easier and hope that gets appreciated even though it's less visible?

I need to go to the bathroom now though, and get more kool-aid so I guess I'll stop rambling for the moment. Maybe pick this up again depending on if I find anything better to do.

.: currents
:: mood( confused )
:: music( jimmy eat world - middle )


I don't think its so much that people dont care that you are not happy, more that they are at a loss for words. In my case I sometimes feel it difficult to comment on some peoples posts when they are down, simply because i dont want to make them feel worse with useless banter, or to try and cheer them up, fail and have them feel I am trivialising their situation. Thats a pretty piss poor excuse I know, and your post has made me realise that I should at least *try* to say something, just so that person knows that I am thinking of them/concerned for them... or whatever.
You have been a wonderful source of support to me on MANY occasions and if I have ever let you down in returning that favour I apologise :(
Miss you.

Summer


This is old, but I'm catching up. I dot he same thing. Although I try to throw in even a little comment if I think it's my place. I think I people assume I don't want to talk to them even when I do for some reason. Never figured it out. And I'm bad at commenting too anyway, I just like to whine sometimes.


dont we all! I'm the worlds best at it :)

*smooch*


With that VTM character, I'm pretty damn familiar with 3rd edition. Drop me an AIM sometime, bud. LordProphyt is me, but I'll need to add you to my buddies list so you can see me.
Yeah, I know, didn't scratch the content of your message with my reply, but I'm not the best with words of wisdom or support.


This is old too. I just don't have time to play with vtm much right now. I keep taking the book with me to read and learn some stuff from but I never get around to actually doing it. I think they had Court last night too but no one invited me to watch. :P





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