... The world is a deceitful place. ...
6/17/99
... Was just listening to Animal Insstinct and had a vision of me leaping off a giant mountain/sand dune. It was exhilirating but sad at the same time because I knew i was most likely killing myself. I wish I could drown in this music. I wish there was magic in the world. The vision is what prompted me to find this [my journal] which after 5 minutes, was found in a box in my closet where I should never have put it. "And the thing that gets to me, is you'll never really see, and the thing that freaks me out, is that I'll always be in doubt." and another, "So take my hands and come with me, we will change reality." ... My quote for later, "I am an anomoly because society has gone astray."...
6/19/99
... Had an urge to take a 3AM bike ride into town, then had a vision of a drunk driver hitting me. If I thought anyone would be out and about, I would do it. ... Some 5-6 year old girl have me the finger the other day.
6/20/99
...are left bereft and utterly ALONE!!! With no one to care about them...alone to ponder, alone to sit at home. Silverchair lyric, "Maybe we don't want to live in a world where our innocence is so short." I DON'T WANT TO!!! NOT ALONE!!! ... martyr... extracted their being, their person, their demographic from the world, it might open some eyes. ... Maybe this world in my Hell and my punishment, my penance for my ills is to witness the world crumbling around me and not being able to stop it or even find others to join me and help me try. ... tears... sick... not eating...
6/22/99
Listening to Animal Instinct again. Something flying around the top of a building. Me, running around up there, seeing a bunch of blue and red kites, trying to walk on them, feeling the horror and wonder when they don't support me. Kind of like... "Oh my god, that's a long fall. My life is over and amounts to this? This sucks. I wonder what kind of splat I'll make?"
7/17/99
... My only thought is that if the hottest girl I know was there and asked me to dance, I would refuse and make excuses because I like [ ] . I'd refuse even if she didn't know I liked her. ... This afternoon I realized it had been over 24 hours since I last ate. It's now 5:30AM and I can;t sleep. Where is the one for me? I feel like I'm losing time...
...
Love. Love is not a thing of desperation and loneliness, any relationship based on these either has to change to last and be meaningful or it will be cheap forever. Love isn't an instantaneous thing. It is the process of learning everything about someone and feeling like your entire body is smiling with every detail your learn. The act of "making love" is simply our petty human way of trying to force this process through physical contact.
3/7/2000
The silence. It's not there. I can't find it... I need it. The night is black. The air... the air isn't as fresh as it should be. Something is wrong. Something is missing. Magic. The magic is gone. The world is dying...killing itself. The colors are fading. The sounds are dimming. The light... where is the light? Lost in the void. Gone.
5/2/2001
Julian - Innocent Heart