Rick (medlir) wrote,

What I feel I deserve...

... a chance to try and be happy.

Nothing more, nothing less. I don't deserve *to be* happy. I don't deserve to be content. I don't deserve anything material specifically. I don't deserve to find a "soul mate" or a "true love". A chance to try, that's all. No guarantees. No sure things. No, "I've found you and you're it!" realizations. Just a chance to try. And I even question that, do I really deserve even that chance, that ability to try? What have I done that makes that true? What have I not done or done wrong that makes it false?

Mostly I think it's because I think everyone should have that chance. If they don't try when given that chance, they miss it and it's lost forever. But as long as they try, then that chance is there, and might turn out well. On the other hand, it might not, but if you tried, what else can you do? You did what you could and you hope another chance comes along.

Can you make chances? Create them yourself? It's possible, but do you want to? <idealist>I think the ones that come out of nowhere and land on you are just cooler in some way, more magical, where did they come from?</idealist> If you hunt them down, do you really end up finding what you want, or do you end up picking off the first thing you find? And yes, you can be happy then, happy is just a relative state of mind, if you don't know any better, you can be happy with anything. Babies seem tod o just fine with sucking on building blocks.

Maybe this is all BS, maybe I really deserve to have lots of people send me money and cool computer hardware and cars for free and I just don't know it. Apparently they don't either.

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