OK - you said to go ahead.

You comment to Keenan that you expect to much when it involves you... well - I'm not sure that is exactly accurate.

I do know that often times when I said I was confused about the situation I was going through and what I wanted you pushed and pushed and I gave you half answers. I did it because otherwise you got very very pushy - so I just gave you all I knew.

The last few months have been a growing experience for me - I told you that after the hell I went through with my exhusband that I was confused and didn't know what I wanted and wanted to take things emotionally slowly...

I'm sorry I called you an asshole - but last night you wouldn't let something die... I asked you to stop and even said I was getting angry... go look at your log - I did say I was getting upset - numerous times.

You caused me to cry (yet again).

I admit to having been an asshole. To having hurt you. To not having lived up to what you needed to be.

I know you don't believe me and you have told other people things that have caused them to think differently because they think I'm an asshole.

BUT the thing you don't realize/don't WANT to realize - is I did share - ALOT. You never allowed me to say "I'm not comfortable, or I'm confused, or I don't know" with out pushing and pushing and pushing until I told you all I could - but it wasn't enough.

I'm sorry that I'm not like you and that I can't just share all of me with someone. It takes a while. I tried to explain to you why - and rather than listen to my FEARS, my CONCERNS, my deepest PAINS - you said "I'm not them... I won't do that... etc" You never really seemed to listen to why I couldn't just open up so freely.

Maybe you think I'm a bad person, maybe others do to - BUT I did share with you everything I could at the time - AND I tried to tell you when it was too much for me. Unfortunatly I didn't live up to your expectations. That hurt both of us.

I'm sorry that I couldn't be what you wanted and that I couldn't be as open and sharing as you needed/desired/DEMANDED but I tried. I got scared. I never was able to tell you everything because you just said things like "that isn't me"... sometimes it doesn't matter that you aren't like the person/persons (and yes it is plural in this case). Sometimes it would just help to say OK and not push.

I know I'm rambling and I'm going to stop after one more comment.

I did love/I do love you and I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted. I wanted to continue the friendship but you still (EVEN as just a friend) won't allow me to have things I can't share because of my pains - you just push on because that is what you believe is right. Maybe no one else is like me - that is a possibility - BUT I don't think that is true - no matter what people say - there are some things that take a while to express - believe it or not.