a paid account earlier this afternoon. My paypal transfer from the other day finally went through so on the spur of the moment I decided to buy my Love a present. :)
Close your eyes, let me touch you now, let me give you something that is real.
I just got done re-working my own LJ style a bit, changed the links on both the top of the lastn and friends pages. Changed the footer a bit. I'm using too many <center> tags. Need to change that. Although IE5 still has a CSS centering bug and I haven't found a way around it yet so my page won't validate anyway. Feh.
Close the door, leave your fears behind. Let me give you what you’re giving me.
Second night of no sleep. Last night I just couldn't sleep. I kept glancing at the clock and seeing it get later and later as I laid in bed doing nothing. I had started out reading as usual but I stopped that even. The only reason I know I never slept is because everytime I'd glance at my clock I'd also glance at my laptop and see if anything was going on, and every time I checked the screen hadn't even blanked out and it's on a 15 minute timer. So I was kind of in a sleepless daze for 4-6 hours or so. I skipped work because I had an ill feeling. I got up around 3PM I think after having a very strange dream (will detail in a minute). It was a cold night. I remember the chill breeze blowing on me all night and cuddling up in my blanket. I love cool breezes even if they're too cool to enjoy without cuddling up. I hadn't really ate anything lately either. Between Tuesday morning and now (Friday morning) I've had three meals...dinner Tuesday, lunch Wednesday, and dinner Thursday. I've been up since 3PM though, working on different things, trying to put off an anxiety attack of sorts by being busy. Been drinking Mountain Dew, I'm sure that helps, but it's keeping me awake.
You are the only thing, that makes me want to live at all.
I'm screwed at work. I was supposed to have some code done yesterday and I only have it half done. Visual FoxPro is a strange and bewildering beast. For some reason I'm not picking it up, or anything for that matter. I feel like I'm a creative phase, but can't find an outlet for it. I'd like to do some design work. If Nini comes up with a total new layout for her page I'd love to do that. I was debating drawing up a new layout for my page earlier too. I want to draw, write letters, make graphic images, do layouts, creative things! It's too bad my poetry skills come and go about once every 2 years or so and sucks when it hits. I can't find a place to start though anyway. Like everything else, finding a starting point seems like an impossible and daunting task. The same with dealing with problems, I can't seem to find a foot or handhold anywhere to start from to deal with things and the impossibility of trying to deal with everything at once and not getting anywhere with anything is just killing me. It can't last forever.
When I am with you, there’s no reason to pretend...
My dream was pretty weird. I've had several weird ones lately actually though. They're strange because they're life-like stories or things that could really happen. No elements of fantasy or weird breaks and changes. Just linear path documentary type stories. The one from today is already fading quite a bit but what I remember was driving around in a car with 3 other guys. We ended up on some back road and there was a heavily guarded gate and fence that I think I thought was like a secret government facility. We ended up going though and everything seemed like normal. We found a house and stopped out on the road. For some reason we were looking for something. We snuck into the house and start looking everywhere. At one point the "family" that lived there pulled in and scared us but they left again immediately. We kept searching but weren't finding anything. The people did come back eventually and as they were pulling in we started searching more frantically. At the very last moment as they were actually entering the house, we all dove out a window in the room we were in and left empty-handed. We had to sneak across about 100-200 feet of yard to a steep hill/embankment. I remember it being very steep to the point I had to use the brush growing on it to pull myself up. I remember one of the other being overweight and having a hard time. I can't really remember what happened after that. I do remember there were defences on the top of the hill and events happening up there but not what they were. Eventually I do know we ended up trekking through swamp and woods and ending up on a road and having to walk a few miles to get back to the car, which we got in and took back off. Strange.
...that when I am with you, I feel flames again.
I should probably finally do my cottage update. This will basically be a list of events, if I can remember details they'll get added. Friday afternoon, bro and I packed up my car and took off. If I remember right, it was fairly late. I don't think we got there till 9-9:30PM after the 2 -hour drive. When we got there, mom and dad were out fishing I think. They came up about half-way through unpacking and we had chicken enchiladas for dinner... mmm. We basically unpacked and that was about it I think. Saturday... slept till noon or so. Basically sat around the rest of the day. Sunday... we actually did work Sunday. I can't remember whatnow though. Through-out the week we worked on the second cottage, we'll finish remodeling it this summer. It'll get re-roofed this fall, and re-sided next year. It's going to rock as a summer house for us kids. :) One of the days we went to the flea market in the next town over. Just got miscellaneous stuff, new dog collar for Buster, and actually, nothing else I can remember. Bro wanted to get a new Katana,along one this time, but it was too expensive and he didn't have enough money. After that we stopped at some garage sales. At one we got a Trivia game called Stage II... it's really cool. The moderator reads questions on a card and it's free-answer. The first person to answer (according to the moderator) gets a chip. After you read the 6 (I think?) questions, the Stage II part comes in, everyone then has to figure out what all of the questions have in common It's really tough. Everyone anties one white chip each round, and then gets to take one from the pool in the center for right question answers. You can guess the theme at any time, wrong theme guesses cost one white chip, a right guess wins you the pool. So the sooner you guess the theme, the less questions have been asked, and the bigger the pool will be. It's a cool game. Anyway, while there, I also got a AD&D 2nd Edition Player's Guide for the hell of it, and another fantasy novel. Throughout the week, we rode the quad around the trails over on the State land. I rode it more towards the end of the week, almost killed myself a few times hauling ass around some curves in the woods. Fun stuff. Towards the end of the week... Friday I think. I ran out of gas on the other side of the lake. I trekked all the way back to our cottages but we didn't have any gas. Then our neighbor Wally asks me, "That thing has a reserve tank, doesn't it?" Doh! So I went over and talked to Matt, another neighbor who lives beyond Wally, and asked him if he wanted to trek back with me since he hadn't been on the trails at all. So we walked back, reserve tank had plenty of gas, and I about killed him going through the trails since he was sitting on the very back luggage rack type thing. :P The Perrys, a family that lives here in Olivet, also have a cottage on the lake. They were hitting the water a ton, tubing, skiing, kneeboarding, etc. I swear they're made of water. There was some good-looking girls at two cottages ont he other side of the lake. Matt tried getting me to go with him to visit them but I wouldn't, I told him he could go himself. :P We went tubing one day (Tues. - Thurs. sometime, when sis was there too) which was fun, until dad started doing 180 turns with the boat to whip me around, we broke the rope twice, and then the last time, with me in the tube, ripped the attachment ring right out of the tube, right through the three inch nylon strap. Impressive. It about killed me too as I whipped around and then SMACK! My hands hurt for about a half hour after that. We stopped tubing. We built a ladder for the boat so when we take the boat out to the middle of the lake to swim, it's easier to get in the boat again. We helped destroy a cottage on the other side of the lake. They're going to tear it down because they built a new one behind it so they told everyone to take anything they wanted. So we desconstructed it one day. A lot of it went into our other cottage. :P We watched some movie. The Pledge, Dracula 2000, some others. I watched Trigun episodes (thanks Proph!) during movies I didn't want to see. We watched Aerosmith on SNL. We went to get pizza at the gas station one day, Matt went with me and bro. While were standing in line he's like, "Want to see me make an ass of myself?" I said, "Sure." So he goes over and starts talking to this cute girl who's not looking too happy over in the corner booth. He told her he'd give her 50 cents if she smiled and that he'd be disappointed if she stopped smiling after he left. She smiled. He asked if she was 16, she was 15. It was hilarious, he's 20. So as we were leaving I stopped at the curb, he jumped out and threw 50 cents at the window and we took off. He's such a retard. :P I only met him when i got up there week, he'd never been up since they live in Ohio. He got some book at a flea market about sex, drugs, and cops. He spent a lot of time in his hammock after that, he'd come over occaisionally and show me some passage about a pimp slapping up his whores or something and be like, "This book rocks, isn't that hilarious?" :P On the 4th we set off a ton of fireworks, more than anyone else on the lake. Got claps and cheers from other people. We had tons of bottle rockets. We didn't use them up till 3 days later. Matt helped us use them up since his dad and dad's fiance didn't do anything for the 4th. It was fun. We spent a while just lighting firecrackers and throwing them in the water for the joy of the underwater *kaboom* depth charge explosion. Sometime during the week we hauled the big dirty rug from the other cottage down to the lake and threw it in. It's a huge rug, there's not a washing machine big enough for it (dad is the manager of a laundry company, he knows :P). So we stomped on it for a while and let it dry for a few days on the seawall. It's much cleaner now. We might give it another beating next time. Matt tooled around in his boat. Bro sat on the family computer a lot. I read my book in the sun and got really sunburned. I ate my cereal on the end of the dock each morning and watched the activity on the lake. One night the moon was a beautiful white that morphed into a yellow as I sat on the dock between 2:30AM and when it set,huddled in my fleece blanket, just watching it and the mist swirl on the lake surface. There's so many things I wish I could capture on my webcam but which can only be truly seen with the human eye to be appreciated and understood. All in all it was a boring week for the sole reason of not having anyone to spend the downtimes with. It was relaxing though just laying about most of the time.
Just put me inside you, I would never ever leave.
I think I'll cut this short (heh) for now. It's almost 5AM and I need to regroup my thoughts. Dad will be disconnecting me soon to send faxes, and I want to burn some CD's before I go to work. At least it's a Friday. I hope you're okay Love, I'm not sure where you left to, I wish you would have said something before you went though. I'll email you before I get offline. :|
Just put me inside you, I would never ever leave you.