July 17th, 2001


You know...

... it really sucks. When you're happy, everyone is there to talk to you and ask why. The second you're not, they go out of their way to completely avoid you. It seriously never fails. I can write a happy or even random LJ post and people will comment. But if I write a serious, depressed post, no one says a word. Not that I want pity or think I need the support, but isn't that why most people do things like that? The "cry for help" type deal? Maybe no one really believes me when I say I'm unhappy or they really don't understand the depths of it because I don't tell anyone or show them? I think a lot of people write me off after seeing surface emotion and never really see what lies underneath everything good and bad. Not that they need to, I'm sure those that want to, see through it. Those people just seem very few and far between. So right now I'm completely bored. I was about ready to pass out a few hours ago but had to do chores and eat dinner. So now if I sit still, I get anxiety over the fact that I should be doing something, anything, but I have no idea what it is so I don;t get anywhere. I finally couldn't take it anymore and had to turn on some music just for some sound, anything. Then I moved back to my desk because sitting on my bed was making it worse. Being forced to sit up straight in my desk chair is much better. I can't believe it's already quarter to 10. I've been home for 4.5 hours and I have no idea where the time went beyond sitting here staring blankly at nothing. I mean, half an hour to put away dishes and eat leaves 4 hours of blankness. That's a bad thing. I have kool-aid though, that's a good thing. I logged into the College Matchmaker a bit ago to yank my quotes off my profile. They've changed the site in the months since I was last there.

"Sa souvraya niende misain ye," he said aloud. "I am lost in my own mind."

"imperious, angry, furious, extreme in all things, with a disturbance in the moral imagination unlike any the world has ever known -- there you have me in a nutshell; and one more thing, kill me or take me as I am, because I will not change." -- de Sade

"Nothing is trivial."

"On the path to happiness, I am everyone's guide, but I am no one's end."

"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions." -- Lillian Hellman

"Life is a dream from which we all must wake before we can dream again."

"Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you."

"Duty is heavy as a mountain, death is light as a feather."

"There is no salvation without destruction, no hope this side of death."

I haven't read any of my book lately. Too busy, tired, blank. Say goodbye, lose your friends, make them go,don't need them around. I realized my vacationw asn't long enough and I screwed myself trying to keep in contact with people. I spent too much time thinking of what other people were doing and so never truly let it allgo and relaxed. And I think not doing so made a lot of things worse. I think I'm more on edge than I was before. And not just people online, but people up at the lake too. I think Matt contributed to that since he wouldn't shut up about the girls on the other side of the lake. I could have cared less, but he made a point to bug me daily if not more often, interupting whatever I was doing at the time.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet. It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on. Just try your best, try everything you can. Hey, you know they're all the same. You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in. Live right now. Yeah, just be yourself. It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

Uh oh, slowing down again, that's no good. Riding the quad in the woods up north was fun. Flying down small sand and dirt trails, never quite knowing when they'd turn suddenly and you'd have to either brake fast, ride it out, or cause some serious damage to a tree, the quad, or more likely yourself. More than once I thought I was going to tip it over on myself or slam into a tree. Never did though. Hmm, war scars.

Got through work for the day. Didn't do much. Downloaded a rip of the Gundam Wing DVD Vol. 2. Downloaded 9 or so Cowboy Bepop episodes. Downloaded random software. Made a tiny 5 meg CD. Took off to buy the Vampire: The Masquerade 3rd Ed. book, ended up being gone over an hour because of the construction and because I was just kind of driving, I had no idea how to get to the mall from my work so I just drove, I got over there eventually. Also bought the Summer edition of 2600 while I was at Barnes&Noble. Somehow it doesn't seem to be quite the same as I remember it in the past. I should work on my VTM character but I have no idea what I'm doing, I haven't read into the bookt hat far, and no one is around to help me right now. Ah well, I'm still mostly clueless anyway.

So now I have Jimmy Eat World - The Middle on repeat because I love this song. I want the CD now. Tomorrow or Thursday I get pick up my Dub Pistols, David Byrne, and Stereo MC's CD's that I won last Friday from MSU's radio station. 4th caller when they announced the #1 song, yay. I like all three CD's though so it'll be cool. I just put all my other new CD's in alphabetical order in my case though. More work. It only takes 5-10 minutes though, just seems like longer.

Noticed an AIM chat from last night was the largest I have saved on here. 106K. It surprised me, but it was 5 hours long so maybe it shouldn't have.

I still haven't come up with anything else to do though so I'll just keep adding random crap on here. After all, it is *my* journal, and this is what it's for... me writing down my thoughts. Just logged into soulxchange, down to 144 owners. Oops. Ow well, getting in on some huge flips (Thanks Gryph and Bri).

For some reason our local network is being a bitch. Bro can connect out through the NAT to ICQ, AIM, etc. But when anyone behind the NAT tries to MUD, it never gets anywhere. So for now I have a manualport tunnel going through for him to use. But we have no idea why it stopped working in the first place. It just started randomly last night. Weird.

Idle thought... make things harder because then the effort is visible and able to be appreciated, or makes things easier and hope that gets appreciated even though it's less visible?

I need to go to the bathroom now though, and get more kool-aid so I guess I'll stop rambling for the moment. Maybe pick this up again depending on if I find anything better to do.
  • Current Music
    jimmy eat world - middle

(no subject)

... The world is a deceitful place. ...

... Was just listening to Animal Insstinct and had a vision of me leaping off a giant mountain/sand dune. It was exhilirating but sad at the same time because I knew i was most likely killing myself. I wish I could drown in this music. I wish there was magic in the world. The vision is what prompted me to find this [my journal] which after 5 minutes, was found in a box in my closet where I should never have put it. "And the thing that gets to me, is you'll never really see, and the thing that freaks me out, is that I'll always be in doubt." and another, "So take my hands and come with me, we will change reality." ... My quote for later, "I am an anomoly because society has gone astray."...

... Had an urge to take a 3AM bike ride into town, then had a vision of a drunk driver hitting me. If I thought anyone would be out and about, I would do it. ... Some 5-6 year old girl have me the finger the other day.

...are left bereft and utterly ALONE!!! With no one to care about them...alone to ponder, alone to sit at home. Silverchair lyric, "Maybe we don't want to live in a world where our innocence is so short." I DON'T WANT TO!!! NOT ALONE!!! ... martyr... extracted their being, their person, their demographic from the world, it might open some eyes. ... Maybe this world in my Hell and my punishment, my penance for my ills is to witness the world crumbling around me and not being able to stop it or even find others to join me and help me try. ... tears... sick... not eating...

Listening to Animal Instinct again. Something flying around the top of a building. Me, running around up there, seeing a bunch of blue and red kites, trying to walk on them, feeling the horror and wonder when they don't support me. Kind of like... "Oh my god, that's a long fall. My life is over and amounts to this? This sucks. I wonder what kind of splat I'll make?"

... My only thought is that if the hottest girl I know was there and asked me to dance, I would refuse and make excuses because I like [ ] . I'd refuse even if she didn't know I liked her. ... This afternoon I realized it had been over 24 hours since I last ate. It's now 5:30AM and I can;t sleep. Where is the one for me? I feel like I'm losing time...

Love. Love is not a thing of desperation and loneliness, any relationship based on these either has to change to last and be meaningful or it will be cheap forever. Love isn't an instantaneous thing. It is the process of learning everything about someone and feeling like your entire body is smiling with every detail your learn. The act of "making love" is simply our petty human way of trying to force this process through physical contact.

The silence. It's not there. I can't find it... I need it. The night is black. The air... the air isn't as fresh as it should be. Something is wrong. Something is missing. Magic. The magic is gone. The world is dying...killing itself. The colors are fading. The sounds are dimming. The light... where is the light? Lost in the void. Gone.

Julian - Innocent Heart