I am so screwed... why do I do this to myself? Why don't I buckle down when I should and just get the stuff I don't want to do done and then not have to deal with it? WHy do I instead go into full-body shutdown mode, and then not do anything, which only makes it worse? I'm so stupid sometimes, a complete lack of common sense. And then after I've messed up, the reality that I can't really fix it hits me, and I get really depressed and have to struggle just to keep my thoughts sane so I don't do anything even worse. Why can't this job just be over? I want out... now. It's been like a month already. I'm going to have to tell them that replacement or not, I'm gone on ___ date. Mom brought home three decent state gov't computer jobs, I'll apply to them tomorrow I think as well as B&N. I got a ticket for not wearing my seatbelt last Tuesday. Just remembered today. Need to pay it really soon so I don't get a late fee. Maybe the insurance company at work will notice and refuse to cover me, and I'll just get fired for that. Maybe. I was so depressed this week that I basically slept Wednesday through Sunday... I even forgot and left my phone in my bag and the battery died. I don't know why I did it, just that I did. Dad helped me get out of this situation a month ago... I won't bug him this time. I'm just going to try to get three days worth of work done all tomorrow, then Tuesday I'll actually be two behind, but that's what happened two weeks ago and I made it up... so Ic an do so again. To facilitate this I made some purchases tonight...

I bought two 2-liters of MD Code Red, and one of plain MD... even though I stopped drinking pop 3+ months ago... I figure if I can keep the caffeine flowing for a week, I can catch back up and then deal with the backlash later. As long as I keep it flowing, I won't crash, so I figure these three 2-liters will last a day or two. I also bought two of the 2-liter sized Gatorades to balance it a bit. I bought two packages of Thomas Honey Wheat English Muffins to toast and slather with molten peanut butter since they're so delicious that way. I bought a big bag of mini blueberry bagals. I bought a loaf of Sun-Maid Cinnamon Swirl Raison Bread. I bought eight mini angel food cakes. I bought a bag of Reese's Pieces. I bought a bag of Peanut Butter M&M's. I bought a big bag of mini Snickers bars. I bought a giant Hershey's Special Dark bar. I bought a package of dried apricots. I bought 10 duracell AA batteries. And finally, I bought the Director's Limited Edition 2-disc DVD of From Hell which I saw about a year ago at the theater. Technically, I didn't need any of this stuff, but at least most of it is sustenance of one kind of another and not just toys.

I was going to get up at 4AM so I could leave by 4:30 and get to Grand Rapids to do work by 6, so I'd have more time, but dad has stuff to transfer to my van int he morning so instead, I'm going to lose several hours of time I could have used to catch up. Oh well. I have this vision that the pop and sugar will have me operating at super-speed... maybe as long as I actually try to believe that it'll work. Maybe I can put off going to the office until Wednesday and do 2+ days of work Tuesday too. We'll see. I'm sos crewed so matter what anyway.

In other news, a week ago or so, I finally registered medlir.com, .net, and .org... what fun. To commemorate it, I cleaned up my web space immensely, added a bunch of .htaccess directives to make things pretty, hide some files, disbale access to others, etc. I got rid of a bunch of redundant HTML files, and a lot of my site (cam page, embedded LJ, etc) are all cgi's now. I even made a perl module that contains the header and footer for my pages as subs so I can just reuse the same sub calls frome ach page cgi... then to change my page layout and look, all I have to do is edit the single module file. Whee. I also improved and cleaned up some of my behind the scenes scripts. Removed some old stuff, used Redirect directives to point old files to new places, fixed my custom 401 page, and a bunch of other stuff most people will never notice. I updated my playlist file, I updated my dvds.html file, and some others. I've actually had my cam on quite a bit lately again, although often it's pointed outside to the dieing landscape.

I love perl.

I need to change my soulxchange port flipper and turn it into a port flipper plus max flipper in one... shouldn't be hard, I have both seperate right now though... debating on making it sell entire portfolio, do list of maxflips, rebuy entire portfolio... or to maxflip entire portfolio except most expensive, sell most expensive, maxflip all other souls not in portfolio that are in maxflip list, than maxflip and rebuy biggest soul. Or maybe options for order and method to madness and let the user decide. Hmm.

Talked to some cool girls at B&N tonight. One was really cute, has on a bright yellow sweatshirt, thick black plastic rimmed glasses, and she had black shoulder length hair. The contrast was impressive. :P They were talking about mules for some reason,a nd why they couldn't have baby mules. The one girl was comapring horse+donkey to dog breed + other dog breed. They ended up asking me what I thought, and I explained how horses and donkeys are different species and that dogs are one species, but different breeds and how I was pretty sure it was because in the mix of the horse and donkey DNS, mules become genetically sterile... they're a genetic dead-end. I could be completely wrong on this though, anyone want to correct me? :P Also, doesn't an animal have to be able to reproduce to be considered a seperate species? In which case, what are mules then? A one generation long genetic bubble that goes no where? Talked to them about schooling also. But then it was time to leave. One of the new cafe girls at B&N has memorized my usual order of a Venti Decaf Hazelnut Latte. :P I threw her off tonight because I didn't want it decaf. :P

My fish is strange. He's started this bad habit of coughing when he wants to be fed. Before the other day, I wans't even aware that fish *could* cough... but apparently so. And for such a small fish, he coughs rather loudly. The first time I didn't know what the heck the sound was coming from, then I look over, and here's my fish with his mouth open making noise. Crazy fish. I should really name him one day. How long do bettas usualy live anyway? Along the lines of living things, I need to get a third plant in here... there's a large one downstairs that needs some love. :P Mom has been trying to get me to bring it up here so it can flourish for a few weeks, I just haven't had time.

I bought a new shirt the other day... it's fuzzy and nice to wear.

I want to write more... I know there's more I wanted to say, but I want to lay down. I moved my couch to the end of my bed so I have this like big L-shaped bedcouch louge area. The couch is perpendicular to my TV screen though and so facilitates laying down and watching movies, which I think I will do while I eat a bunch of these foods before I fall into the welcome oblivion that is sleep. And of course, that's why I slept all week... if I'm asleep, I don't have to deal with the world or reality as it is... I can dream of just be devoid for as long as I want. So nice.


have i told you lately i love you? no? well i love you.





Bill 
Morgan 
Jason 
Melanie 
Josh 
Theo 
Justin 
00101101 
Chris 
Lynn 
Bryon