Rick (medlir) wrote,
Rick
medlir

Interesting subject here.

Haven't done a real update in a long while... two months really, and I think I was behind even then.  Done some random stuff in that time.

Went to a Leap Year Party at Erica's back at the end of February.  I went to Animania as I intended, and picked up Ben at his dorm.  Jake met us there too.  Bought gummies of course, but they were mostly gone before I even got home.  My 21" monitor is non-operational.  The vertical seems to have gone out of whack, making the screen extended about a third of the way off the screen even when it's set down to 0, so I'm using my 15" again... ASTVision 5L... bought used for $75 in Fall 1999... working continuously since.  Feh on Sony.

We've had several people look at the house.  You can buy it if you want.  Had Realtors go through today which meant I and the dog had to leave.

At the new place, the bedrooms are both done except for carpet which has been ordered for a while now, but we're waiting to have installed.  The hallways and kitchen are drywalled and plastered, and sanded... ceilings done (kitchen painted, hallway "stomped" with plaster), bathroom is completely done.  Cabinets for the kitchen were ordered a bit back, as well as the laminate wood floor... Amber Gregorian Hickory.  Cabinets are Hickory as well... when they get there.  Cut big holes in the house two weekends ago or so... new sliding glass door and bank o 3 big windows went in.  And window on the other wall of the living room.  One more window to go.  I've been tearing down the living room ceiling tiles, and finished that tonight.  We're not sure if we want to just drywall it and leave it flat, or cathedral it up the angle of the roof.  Other random work over there, slowly coming along.

Keith was home back in March for a week or two or three.  Played lots of Halo.  I think I've going to sell my car, and buy an X-Box, mod chip, and hard drive.  Use it for Halo, and other games obviously, and as a PC format movie player for my TV... when I had Ben's X-Box here for weeks, it was great.

The Math/Science Center never sent me the $25 B&N gift card they said I won.  I don't know why.  Would have been nice.  I bought a P2-333 Overdrive for Socket 8 PPro systems like I said I was going to.  And got a GeForce2 MX 400 for this too.  Can play CS on here now, UT, Q3A, etc.  Even Age of Mythology runs though it says it wants a 450.  Bought a Micro-ATX board from TigerDirect for $5 plsu shipping with 1.3 Via C3 chip on it.  Got two sticks of 128M PC2100 from a friend mom for helping fix her computer.  Bought a black case with window, tr-color fan in the window, front runner lights, 420W PSU, etc at the Computer show on the first of March to hold it.  Met up with Derrick and Erica there, Erica helped talk them down on the price a bit, which was cool... Case/PSU is actually the most expensive part since the rest was practically free.  Went to lunch with them at Steak and Shake... that was the day after the party.

Haven't installed XP on it though, as I've been having trouble burning a CD for it.  That, and lack of time due to cleaning and doing other things.... it's not mission critical so it gets put off.  While Keith was here, bought a ton of DVD's... I think I bought What Dreams May Come, Stargate, Reservoir Dogs, Apocalypse Now Redux, Kate and Leopold, Spaceballs, Princess Bride, Baz Luhrman's Romeo and Juliet, Strange Days, Titan A.E., Cowboy Bebop Movie, and some silent Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin movies on DVD.

Also at the computer show, I had bought rounded IDE cable for this computer, so those are in here.  The other night, Dad, Mom, sis, and I went out to dinner at Applebee's.  Was cool.  I was starving... got a half-order Fried Chicken Salad, and the Chicken Fingers Platter.  Mom, Nicole and I shared one of the Blonde Walnut Brownie desserts too.  I love those!

Umm, sis graduates in a few weeks.  Though she's taking graduate classes already, and will be taking more over the summer.  Bro is still having trouble int he Air Force.  The stuff they put him through wore a hole through the cartiledge in his knee, and now they're trying to get rid of him.  It's a bunch of crap since he early enlisted and they deemed him fine, they need to follow through with their end of the bargain.

SoulXchange started back up for anyone not paying attention to the souls community.  Public beta runs until the 15th, then it's supposed to open for real.  Been doing pretty good myself.  Spent more time than I should on it... but that's how the old was too.  Of course, brings back some painful memories as well, but eh.  Also been spending a lot of time on wouldyouhitthis.com.  Helping run the IRC server and testing things and reporting bugs on the site itself.

Me... feeling really depressed tonight, but I don't know why.  Probably just loneliness, as I've got that in abundance.  A lot of cool people that used to keep me sane in the past just aren't there anymore, and that bothers me too.  It's probably nothing, and it'll probably pass, but I hate feeling like this.  I know I make a post like this every now and then, so it probably seems repetitious, but eh... the point isn't to be original all the time.  I miss a lot of things that used to be, but just aren't anymore.  I hate feeling lost.  I hate feeling insignificant.  I hate not being able to see my own future, or have any idea where I'm going.  It's not that I don't have things I want to do... I just have no ability to see between now and then, here and there.  I never have.  Over the years I've been asked numerous times where I see myself in x years... and I never know.  Ang when I do answer, it's always a cop-out answer.  Saying the words, but having no concept of the motion.  It also bothers me intensely how much I simply don't know... about anything... everything.  I want to know so much, but no matter what, it seems everyone is already ahead of me... on everything.  I'd like to be *the* person for something, but I'm not.  Sure, I'm better at some things than others, but I don't stand out in front of everybody in any one thing except being myself... and that gets me so little it seems.  It gets me loneliness, depression, an unfillable void.  Blah blah, so tragic, Rick is alone, his life sucks... while he mooches of his parents, lives at home for free essentially, gets to sit around with no job because his parents are nice enough to pay the loans from his first year in college that he failed out of.  Yes, I realize I have it good in some ways, much beyond what other people get.  But those things only help a person be content... to continue on... it doesn't m ake them happy.  It's just not I take any joy in living off my parents generosity... really, it wracks me with guilt, because at all times the fact the I *owe* them for everything is always hanging there.  When will I leave?  When will the opportunity I'm waiting for finally show up?  What if it doesn't?  Failure 6-7 years ago spooked me, and I don't think I ever recovered.  Sure, I can manage things fine, go on, but I think I lost something, and it wasn't something easily gained back.  I wonder if I ever will.  I think about the past too often I think... about people in the past.  Regrets.  Opportunities lost.  Things that might have been, but aren't.  And how you can't go back.  I have vivid dreams about people in the past, situations that never happened.  And I wonder why.  It's disconcerting when people from half a decade or more pop into my dreams, with no conscious trigger perceived for it.  I've had a lot of weird dreams lately.It also bothers me how much I sleep sometimes.  I've always had weird sleep patterns and dreams though.  All in all it comes down to the very basics... What point is there?  What makes it worthwhile?  ...why bother?  I'm having a hard time answering all three of those for myself, let alone one of them.

Been listening to "Duvet" by Boa, it's the Lain theme song.  One of the saddest songs ever in my opinion.  It literally makes me cry no matter what if I actually listen along with it and feel the music.  I remember before the last couple years I never cried at anything except when I got extremely frustrated with my dad for not listening to me at different times when I was younger.  In the last few years though, lots of things set me off it seems though.  This song is a huge one though, and yet I've had it on repeat for hours now, because it resonates with me... because there is so much feeling in it, and it's extreme, and it's available.  I have so little other input of extreme feelings, and the blandness otherwise isn't acceptable... I have to have something, even if it is sadness.  The different times I've been happy in the last few years all ended terribly, and I'm afraid of more I guess... it seems each happiness has caused a larger hole to form, a deeper pit on the downside when it ends... and I know it's coming because it never lasts.  And yet, I do hold out hope that that won't always be true, but for now, eh... this has to do, because I don't have anything else.

Boa - "Duvet"

And you don't seem to understand
A shame you seemed an honest man
And all the fears you hold so dear
Will turn to whisper in your ear
And you know what they say might hurt you
And you know that it means so much
And you don't even feel a thing

....I am falling ....
....I am fading....
..I have lost it all...

And you don't seem the lying kind
A shame that I can read your mind
And all the things that I read there
Candle-lit smile that we both share
And you know I don't mean to hurt you
But you know that it means so much
And you don't even feel a thing

...I am falling....
...I am fading...
...I am drowning, help me to breathe...
...I am hurting...
...I have lost it all ...
...I am losing, help me to breathe....
...........


I know I've been rambling.  It's a weird night, I've felt really weird in general for the last week or so.  Several times I've debated disappearing from being online again, but I realize I never came fully back the last night.  And it doesn't help, just puts me farther behind on things I want to accomplish and causes me to lose contact with people... and I don't get any other contact, so I can't afford that.  I think it needs to warm up more, and I think I need a new bike.  Sell my car... get bike and X-Box.  I was also thinking about getting a motorcycle for this summer, but eh, need more money first.

Other randomness... made a Devil's Food Cakelast night, and Chocolate Fudge frosting from scratch... turned out really good.  How about another sentence to add some padding around the meat of my actual post?  If you are reading this, you have exceptional patience, or are extremely bored.  SOme projects I do want to work on... improvements to bawt, updating my DVD database online... it's out of date by a long ways now.  And maybe a new LJ layout... if I can get up the motivation to do some sketch work.  Also, on myd esk currently you will find a Kirby figure in chef's hat that when you pull his hand with frying pan down, his belly is like a slot machine tumbler that shows 8-ball type responses to questions.  Also, a Goku figure, Iron Man, a rubber frog and and some kind of flying insect, as well as a stress-relieving squishy yellow Minute Maid lemon.

Anime... downloaded 1-25 of Full Metal Alchemist thus far now... was at episode 16 I think last time I did a real post.  Also have grabbed 1-23 of Scrapped Princess, and working on the 24th episode.  Then on to Peace Maker Kurogane!  I think at least.  I can't even play most of this stuff on here anyway... buying X-Box comes in at that point.

Some more random info, my webcam no longer works for some reason, powers up but show blank black area.  And my digicam seems to have shat itself as well.  Taking a picture results in it switching to a different resolution instead, and turning on the LCD results in a black screen and the camera locking up, so that I have tot ake the batteries out to turn it off.  At no point does it take a picture though.  This troubles me.

More random text here.
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

  • 8 comments