Psycho crazy happy go-lucky. Don't read this and then be sure to comment. Well, actually, forget that. I am so sick of people who put two words as an entry and then link it to their cam and get 50 comments for it. What the hell? That's not a journal, it's a tabloid advertisement for groupies. Argh!

"...imperious, angry, furious, extreme in all things, with a disturbance in the moral imagination unlike any the world has ever known -- there you have me in a nutshell: and one more thing, kill me or take me as I am, because I will not change."
-- de Sade

My favorite quote. I'm got lots of sugar-water (kool-aid). I want to go psycho crazy right now. I think I'll stay up all night for the heck of it because I currently have an invincibility conplex. I almost decided to go for a midnight (okay, it's actually 2) ride on my mountain bike... I'm going stir crazy. Last night I was thinking about (Fuck you I won't do what you tell me!) how much I miss mountain biking... I need to be active and go nuts, I've never once in my life hit my limit physically. One year after a winter of nothing I decided it'd be a good idea to ride 35 miles one afternoon. I puked more then once on the side of the road but I kept going because having no choice is a great motivator... keep riding or you'll never get home because sleeping on the side of the road isn't any fun is a good reason to keep going. I love that... get home from class/work, and go all out on my bike, disappear for 4+ hours, riding the entire time, don't get home till after dark.

Mmm... kool-aid. I decided Moby just wasn't cutting it just now... I needed some Rage. And Rage I have now. It was somewhat cool... when i put this in and turned it up, tears actually came to my eye. Killing in the Name... tears... weird. Fuck you I won't do what you tell me! By the way, where in the hell is my soul-mate? I used wget to download every single Sinfest strip earlier. I set cron to download it daily to my server just like UF and my rc5stats from Whee! I want to work on my homepage. I'm going buck wild on my server cleaning up my homedir. I installed NetBSD 1.5 on my other 486. X doesn't work on either. Oh well, who need the bastard GUI anyway. I brough my entire 2 quart pitcher of kool-aid up here with me. :) hehe! Now you do what they told ya! I wish I could go buck wild in my car. But ice with my car would be worse than ice on my bike. I was thinking as I made my kool-aid that my brain hurt in the rear-right section. I thought about how it'd be cool to have a tumor and be considered a tragic genius. hee! Poor Rick, he has a brain tumor and will die. By the way, everyone on IRC is pissing me off, no one but lilly has responded to anything I've said despite saying several things in several places.

You know what? I need a full size wooden dummy to hack at with my broadsword! Now that'd be fun. Or maybe I just want to be a part of a large battle scene like in movies. Daniel Day lewis in Last of the Mohicans is a badass. So is the older guy when he beats the hell out of Mogwa. I want to chop people to bits. I was thinking last night about how little I really care about human life. I care about my family and their life and safety. I'm not scared to die though. And I don't get upset when other people die. If someone were to kill one of my family members I think I would feel it my duty to hunt them down and return the favor. I might not last long in the medieval (damn you to hell if you use the word "midevil"!) world but I'd damn sure enjoy myself a lot more and probably be happier. I need to get involved in SCA and ren fests more. SCA does battles I think. I'd love to be able to not feel foolish using my olde english skills. I used to a lot. Possum/Nikki might remember that. And I don't think a gun or a smaller knife would be any fun to play with, I want to hack and slash with 6.5 pounds of raw gleaming steel! heh heh heh, anger management. :P

I should apologize to my younger cousin for the language. I'm fairly sure she doesn't keep up with my journal, she doesn't update hers often enough, but anyone who knows me knows I don't generally swear, but when quoting Rage I must. :P

When i lean back in my chair I can crack my back... repeatedly. I weight 177.5 pounds. I'm 2.5 over normal. Oops. I want to start working out more. I miss being at Rose-Hulman and going down to the weight room every other night with Blayde, Justin, and Adrian. Adrian left Rose too now. I so screwed up my academic side that year but I had so much fun! We went paintballing, out to dinner, to Indy Poll Day, threw our S.A.'s in the lake. A ton of group activities... floor games of Quake2! I'm so academically screwed still though. I don't regret how I spent my time then, but I do regret not having more time to put towards the work.

Some dreams. A few weeks ago I had a dream that involved a lot of local people. Particularly one that took place in a wooden fort that reminded me of paintballing where Jesse from my grad. class was pulling wood off the walls. Levi was over on some plateau laying around. And Lannea who I liked through a lot of HS was there. Sometime around that time ont he way to class or home one day I had thought about how I hadn't seen her online (AIM) in a long time. I have no idea why either... I haven't seen her since graduation as far as I can remember. I had thing for her and actually several other girls that went to the Math/Science Center from Olivet. A year ahead of us was Laurie who was in Quiz Bowl with me before she graduated. She was also the only one I know of in our high school who did better on the ACT than I... 34-33 :P I emailed her a couple of times at college... she's listed at I think and goes to UofChicago. I also really liked Deirdre who was two years ahead of me. I think I really looked up to Deirdre and Laurie because I considered (and still consider them) to my my intellectual superiors. They were what I aspired to be. Deirdre was wacky, loved REM, drove fast (I think she had a 22 minute record on the drive to the Center which at sane speeds takes at least 40 minutes). When we were freshman and sophomores and Deirdre was a Junior and Senior was when we annually made ourselves late tot he center to go tout to lunch as a group, she gave rides when rides were needed, she was in Cross Country and athletic too. She ended up going to Agnes-Scott which is a college for girls in Georgia and last i heard had madea trip to Edinburgh.

I used to day dream so much and wonder if any of them ever liked me. Several times I imagined they had made gestures that meant they did but being the person I am I ended up just forgetting about it and not doing anything about it because of uncertainties and fear. I think I'll type up some of my journal entries from those days after this. Several times me and Lannea didn't want to got o AP Calc at the Center and so would kill time at Olivet so we'd be too late to go to class but make it to our second classes. One time we actually even came back here to pass the time. I think she was actually the only person from my High School who came to my open house. No principal, no counselor, no other students. I thinks he was the only one. She came early because she had other places to go but she actually came and i thought that was cool. My dad offered to give her a tour of the house to which she replied, "Oh, I've seen it before." because of the day we had cma ehere just to waste time. Oops. :P My dad was just like "Oh..." :P She wasn't afraid of my car or driving either. One day some Vo-Ed students were harassing us on the road so I took off. It was raining fairly hard and here we are doing 90mph down the road so that the windshield wipers are hovering off the windshield and we can;t see worth crap and she didn't freak. :P A lot of the time she'd sleep on the way back which i thought was cool too. First that she wanted to even ride with me, second that I assumed the fact that she slept meant that she felt comfortable with me. And I usually looked forward to having to gently wake her up when we got back to Olivet.

When Deirdre and then Laurie graduated parts of me died. Before this moment I never really realized that my grades didn't drop till after my sophomore year and then I just didn't care any more. That also is when Deirdre and the other Math/Science Center girls who were Seniors all graduated. I wrote in my journal at the time that there were only 40 days till Deirdre would be gone forever. I did much the same the next year when Laurie graduated. I remember one time during Quiz Bowl practice when Laurie couldn't reach the string to pull down the overhead screen inthe library. I went ovr and did it and joked about how she was short and she walked right up to me and stated as fact that she wasn;t short at all. I had to agree, I felt small and intimidated at that moment. :P But it was awesome, I think that's one of the few times I remember "melting". :P

Realization: This is really long. I'm way offtrack from dreams which is where I was. :P To temporarily sum up the above, I miss what I had then... hope, people to look up to, positive peer role models, I was alone then as now but I had fantasies and hopes and dreams of more. I don't know anyone who I look up to now. The people I had left. I've actually tried repeatedly to find Deirdre's email address even though I know she has a real life now. They were never slackers like I am. I might email Laurie just for the heck of it though I know she's long one from here as well. At Rose-Hulman there were lots of intelligent people... in fact, on my floor there's very few I didn't like. But I didn't look up to anyone. Blayde and Justin are probably my best friends from there, and though they both helped me with Calc because I so royally suck at it, I considered them equals... I helped with CS, they helped with Calc. I need someone to be in awe of. Someone I can look up to and who can do the same with me. Someone who is a challenge intellectually.

Getting back to dreams, I can't seem to remember others at the moment. I remember one from a few months ago involving what seemed like our land but without trees. A motorhome pulled in across the road, and there was a huge wooden structure on our land. There were lots of people all heading behind the wooden structure where there was a hill and a river with woods on the other side of it. Everyone piled onto a large raft... there were probably 20 or so people on it, and we set off. I feel like drawing what i remember about the end but we were out on open water, darkness to all sides but sickly yellowish-green sunlight was ahead on the horizon. Sadly, it didn't make any sense then and still doesn't. I had another around the time of the one several paragraphs up but it's escaping me right now. My mom woke me up today and caused me to forget the one I had last night.

Other things... we went out to the British Isles to eat on last Saturday night. We went out as a family and were going to go to the Texas Roadhouse because we had certificates to use but being a Sat' night they had a 2 hour waiting line out the door. We went in, found that out, and my dad (who wasn't in a good mood by then) says in entry room, "Fuck that, no restaurant is worth 2 hours of waiting in the cold." to which he got several agreeable laughs and right-ons. So we were in search of food, several suggestions went out when i suggested British Isles which I'd never been to but is where Shay (ladyshay) has sung before. The entrance are giant wooden doors, then interior was all rough-hewn posts that were about 10x10's :P The place rocked, we had a cool waitress, the food was awesome. Bro had lamb stew, I had Bangers and Mashh (sausages and mashed potatos), sis had the Lancelot (steak, tenderloin), dad had unlimited chicken, and mom had Cornish Pasties because she knew she wouldn't be able to get them anywhere else. We also got a fried and battered sweet onions which I actually got bro to eat and which he actually liked! We got chili fries, and stuffed mushrooms too. Our waitress had told us she'd wait to place our main meal order because most people fill up on appetizers and change their minds. Not us, we devoured the appetizers before she came back the next time and she was like, "Oh my..." :P We ate most of our main meals too, brought home some though. We read a lot of Trivial Pursuit Genus 5 cards ont he way there and home. My family rocks. :)

For now, I'll end this because most people won't have read it anyway, and I want to grab my paper journal and write from it possibly. How much can i post in a night... heh heh heh.

.: currents
:: mood( contemplative, filled with rage )
:: music( Rage Against the Machine - 02 - Killing in the Name )

Lucky bastard. I grew up in places that were Navy-rich in people, which, well, isn't too conducive to genius. I have a few positive role models, my physics teacher is someone who I'll always hold as a great guy with a LOT of knowledge, but I never had any positive -peer- models at all. No one who was extremely smarter than me (there wree tons of people with better work ethic, if I was into that ;). Bah. There were a few people near / on my level, but no one above it. No one all the on it.

They say I have a God complex because I realize I have a diverse intellect. That I realize I think in a lot broader, more imaginative terms than other people. That I'm egotistical because I'm proud of the fact that I can sometimes think a lot differently than most. Bah.

It was ingrained into me at an early age. A little late to stop that.